HOW CAN I GET MY SEXUAL DESIRE BACK?
This is an extremely common question. Just because you have lost interest in sex, this does not mean that you are a sexual failure and no longer worthy of seeing yourself or being seen as a sexual being, although it may feel that way to you. Your desire and sexuality are still a part of you even if you can’t/don’t want to express them at the moment. Below are some of the reasons people lose their desire and some suggestions as to how to awaken your desire and welcome it back into your life. Needless to say the solutions are far easier to implement and change is more likely to be sustained when working with a coach!
Are you having sex to please your sexual partner? If you find it hard to day NO to someone and find that you have sex only when someone else suggests it, it is not surprising that you have lost touch with your own sexuality. I have worked with a number of clients who rarely experienced desire because they had got into a habit of responding to other people’s desire rather than acknowledging their own. If you cannot say NO, each YES means very little and your desire will diminish.
Solutions: work on identifying your sexual style and preferences, your peak sexual experiences, what makes it hard for you to be the one who initiates sex, dealing with rejection, becoming more assertive, relate your sexual hesitancy to other areas of your life, communication skills.
Do you find that you feel desire for other people but are no longer attracted to your partner? Sometimes I work with people who have totally gone off the idea of sex. Sometimes I work with people who are turned off from sex with their partner whilst they are nursing and cultivating intense desire for someone else. In this situation, the primary relationship will undoubtedly suffer as your focus will be on your desire being thwarted and resentment and anger are likely consequences.
Solutions: ask yourself what is it about this new person that so excites you? What will you get with them that you do not have with your current partner? What were things like at the beginning with your current partner? This situation is more about finding creative solutions to make our current relationship more interesting and how to stop taking your partner for granted. A new relationship is not going to solve this type of loss of desire scenario. It merely suspends it for a while. Try looking at what could be changed and improved in your relationship and take responsibility for making that happen.
Have you been single for so long that you can’t remember what desire feels like? I bet you can – if you want to. It is easy to get used to any routine, however dissatisfying and spending a long time as a single person can feel too safe. Dating feels scary and makes you feel vulnerable.When I am working with single people, I hear the same kinds of problems cropping up. Feeling that you are not sexy if you aren’t having sex, wondering why you never meet the ‘right’ sort of person, complaining about there being no good men/women out there, how to merge your single self with the life of another person. Solutions:Become the person you want to attract, work on making your life as great as it can be without a partner. confidence and self-esteem building, getting in touch with your passion and purpose, identifying patterns from previous relationships, what was good in the past that you want with a new partner, what are the people/situations that you do not want in your life, masturbate and become a more sexual person. You need to know that you do not need a partner in order to be the best kind of partner.
How do you feel about the sex that you do have with a partner? Are you getting the sexual stimulation that you need? I have worked with couples who see loss of desire as a problem that belongs to one of them, whilst the other one is an innocent victim of an unfortunate sexual drought.This premise is swiftly explored and both parties begin to recognise that sexual issues involve both partners and that apportioning blame is counterproductive and unhelpful.
Solutions : work on sharing sexual fantasies, communication, exploration (trying new things), sexual games. Perhaps the most important exercise in this situation is enabling both parties to sit down and talk about what most turns them on – do they want more foreplay, different type (less/more rough) of stimulation. Does the sex end too soon? This is not a problem when sex only ends when both are fulfilled (and that may or may not involve orgasm)
How would you describe your relationship? It will not surprise you to know that sex is one of the first things to lose its appeal when a relationship is in difficulties. This is not necessarily a cause and effect situation as many factors contribute to relationship breakdown.
Solutions – look at your environment. What is going on in your life to make it hard to prioritise sex and connection with your partner? Usually it is necessary to make a detailed inventory of contributory factors and then work through each finding ways to make changes. Often childcare, finances, trust, conflict (each needing to be right) and fatigue interfere with contentment. How you think your partner treats you and what you can do to make this better. Look to yourself : are you seeing yourself as the mistreated victim? This will help no-one so get in touch with your personal inner power. Look at the emotions that you are partner create and explore ways of creating a bigger and better emotional connection between you.
How do you feel about yourself? The one person you have control over when trying to make changes is yourself. Often problems develop in relationships when we blame the other person for our own unhappiness.Solutions – Find your passion and purpose. Work on self-esteem, confidence and body image. When was the last time you thought about what success means to you? Where is your life going and how do you feel about that? Do you have direction, purpose and optimism for the future? If you feel small, scared, unsuccessful, unattractive how can you be in touch with sexual joy?
Maybe some of the solutions seem out of reach? This is because you may not know that you already know how to change your life. Coaching will help you to work through your own unique constellation of anxieties, sadness, blame, anger and fears. A coach enables you to find your powerful, calm centre where you are at peace with yourself and your sexuality. When you lose desire, I have found that there is more at stake here than sexual boredom. Boredom is something that can be addressed with tips and technique. Loss of desire is something else and a sign that you need to look to yourself, your partner and the rest of your life for answers.
by Tara Few